


what does white noise become

by antiquescissors



Series: static [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, Love Confessions, One Shot, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-18 17:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14856986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiquescissors/pseuds/antiquescissors
Summary: There's a silence in which Rei subjects Asuka to one of the coldest stares she's ever received in her entire life. It's kind of terrible. Her eyes can only ever remind Asuka of blood, and sometimes that's all she can see.





	what does white noise become

**Author's Note:**

> the messiest, most unclear love confession in history. title taken from a google search i made when i was finished writing.

Sitting on a couch with Rei Ayanami, Asuka can already feel her blood beginning to boil. Where Asuka has criticized the movie, Rei has only nodded quietly and continued to watch, sometimes mumbling, "Good eye," as though the praise might be a comfort to her. It's not. In fact, it makes her even more uncomfortable, because no one likes trying to grab a  _robot's_ attention. 

The movie is cheap and poorly done, but that's not even an issue. It is, however, a pretty damn good example of something Asuka can  _pretend_ is an issue to hide the reasons behind her real anger. Rei keeps her crimson eyes trained on the screen, though they flit to Asuka in the moments between dialogue. That's probably 'cause Asuka stopped whining about the movie's mistakes. On the one hand, it's a little weird that she noticed so easily; on the other hand, it's actually not weird at all, because Rei is a pilot and pilots need to be observant. 

"Don't you hate it when the romance is like that?" Rei finally pipes up, cutting into the silence. 

"Like what?" Asuka would be a little more interested in the criticism coming from the girl if it weren't so monotone. 

"I don't think she's attracted to him." 

Asuka hums. She'd been fed the same invariable romantic plot repeatedly since she was a child, and there was no use in commenting about it anymore. Though Rei was right, of course. What else would she have expected? 

"Well, when you're perfect, I bet it's easy to find the flaws in everything else." 

She bristles at her own tone. It was supposed to come out harsher than it did. Instead, a hint of laughter sneaks in at the end, making a perfectly good barb into a playful joke. It almost sounded like flirting. 

Worse yet, Rei doesn't even take it how it sounded--she is visibly uncomfortable, shoulders tensing suddenly. Asuka groans internally. 

"I know you're not perfect. Chill out." She tries to make her voice sound convincing, but she can't help but feel that she's lying.

Rei glances away from the movie, eyes focusing on Asuka's own. What used to be a dull tedium has suddenly become striking. An energy settles between the pair. They react to that presence in the way that they usually react to wild energy. Rei turns away; Asuka embraces it, feeling as desperate as a bird must feel to stay in the air. She's got to say  _something_ to distract from the all-too-noticeable silence that envelopes the two.

"You know," Asuka states boldly, "I think their relationship is beautiful."

Rei almost flinches with disgust, now looking to the redhead with her entire body and not just a flicker of her eyes. The furrowing slant of her eyebrows suggests pity. 

"What makes it so beautiful to you then, Asuka?" 

I love how she pretends to respect my opinion, Asuka thinks. She's about to crush it with some perfect logic, I bet. 

"Well--" she stammers a little, "well, you know, I just think it's all emotional. The guy is super into her, but the girl is so emotionless. It's sad! Don't you like to see sad stuff in romantic movies?" 

"The girl is not emotionless." There's an undertone to Rei's voice that amuses Asuka. It encourages her to keep going.

"Listen: he goes, 'Oh, I love you!' and she keeps saying stuff like, 'Wah, woe is me. I can't feel love.' That's stupid!" It is kinda fun to make up opinions on the spot. "That's crazy. Everybody can feel love." 

"Even you?" Rei challenges. 

Asuka almost chokes on her surprise. It takes a second due to shock, but anger, red hot, rushes through her veins thick as blood. She can't believe how defensive she's gotten over this fake opinion, nor can she fully comprehend how much the inquiry stung. Sure, she's said her fair share of nasty things, but everyone is a little nasty. Everyone says things that they regret. But not Rei. No, apparently, Rei is totally capable of love, and  _Asuka's_ the one who's cold and unfeeling! Asuka feels a shiver run through her, charged with rage, and she's so glad that it's familiar. Through all of the time she'd spent here, she could only think of how unnatural she felt. Now she knows what feels natural. She is so often angry, but never is she more volatile than when surrounded by perfection.  

"Wow, look at you," Asuka sneers, arming herself with insults as a soldier does with weapons, and twice as quickly. "'Cause _you're_ so good at love! I bet you've never liked anyone in your life! Not even as a friend. I wish I'd never come to this stupid movie night. I wish I'd just stayed home and gotten on the phone with someone from school, someone who talks like a  _human_ and acts like a  _human_ and  _loves_ like a human, too! What do you do when you love people, Rei? Do you go, 'Oh, here's my RAM, hope you like it.'?!" 

There's a silence in which Rei subjects Asuka to one of the coldest stares she's ever received in her entire life. It's kind of terrible. Her eyes can only ever remind Asuka of blood, and sometimes that's all she can see. 

"Wah," says Rei, "woe is me. I can't feel love." 

A pause.

" _What?_ "

Rei drums her fingers against each other. "The guy says, 'Oh, I love you!' and the girl says, 'Wah, woe is me. I can't feel love.'" 

Asuka's rage quickly becomes replaced by confusion. Her feelings become chaotic, rebounding madly inside her. What an asshole, Asuka thinks furiously. A puppet, doll, and robot, all rolled into one. I can't help but hate her. It's not my fault. 

"I can't stand you," Asuka hisses, trying to recover from the awkward silence. "And you hate me just as much as I hate you. So much that you don't even think I'm capable of love. That's more than I've ever thought about _you_ , you know. I might not be all that nice to you, but I at least thought--" 

"Wah, woe is me. I can't feel love." 

"--that you could feel  _love!_ Even the most robotic person alive can feel love. I thought even _you_  gotta feel love for  _something, someone--!_ "

"Wah, woe is me. I can't feel love." 

"Whatever! No wonder people think you're such a robot. You can't love anything, and you can't feel anything, so what makes you human?" 

"I'm  _not._ "

Not for the first time today, Rei has stunned Asuka into silence. 

Asuka sinks into the couch, simmering. Her breathing begins to slow, and her heartbeat retains its regularity. Her fury dwindles down until it is nothing but a dull ache in the back of her mind. When she can finally look at Rei without spontaneously combusting, she turns to the TV instead. She watches the last moments of the movie in which the couple finally kisses, the girl admitting that she's not so emotionless after all. 

She looks to Rei to find Rei looking back at her. They don't feel so different now. Anger has made them one. 

"Well, there," says Asuka, voice softer than it has been all night, softer than it has been in a long time. "I guess you're not so perfect after all." 

Rei doesn't answer; she simply hardens her gaze. Well, fine. Asuka scrunches up her nose, but it's not because she's angry anymore. Now it's almost to scrutinize her, almost to take Rei's face in her hands, lean in close and whisper, then what  _are_ you? Why have you spoken to me in ways that you never speak to anyone? Why do you look at me like you've never looked at anyone? 

It's so stupid and cliche she wants to vomit. 

"I never said I was perfect. I'm imperfect for many reasons: I'm very lonely, and very replaceable. I don't bleed." Rei looks fixedly into Asuka's eyes. "And I think that most can love. Even you; even me."

Well, now she doesn't know what to think. She wants to shout right now for plenty of reasons, not least the fact that the movie has been off for about five minutes and she's still not taking her cue to leave. Instead she's sitting here like an idiot, trying to find the humanity in Rei Ayanami. Nothing ticks Asuka off more than perfection. 

And yet.

Here she is, frozen in her seat, unnerved to the core by Rei Ayanami and her blood eyes. Rei's (no--say her full name, make it less personal) voice has been absent for a time, and yet here she is, remembering the exact tone of her voice when she said, "Even you." 

"If you can love," Asuka whispers, furious with herself--not for the first time--for keeping such a quiet tone, "why don't you? Ever?"

"I do." 

The silence somehow becomes more comfortable after that answer, and Asuka finally slackens in her seat. 

Asuka spends the rest of her time here with closed eyes, listening to the sound of Rei's rhythmic breathing. Great. Now she knows some useless information about the robot. Slowly, she can feel her defense system building back up, good as new. She recalls how stupid it was to even go to this, but now she's glad that she did. It was all worth it to feel so calm. For once.

Rei slides her hand so that her fingers brush past Asuka's. It takes a moment to realize that she's only reaching for the remote. Rei prepares to change the channel, but before she does, her eyes flicker to Asuka. She raises her eyebrow, thumb hovering over the buttons.

"You're giving the choice to me?" Asuka teases. " _Oh, I love you!_ " She thinks, that line is going to be an inside joke between us for years to come. Something's nice about the idea of inside jokes with Rei. 

She waits for the  _wah, woe is me_ , but it doesn't come. Instead, all that comes is the flickering of Rei's crimson eyes, like candlelight, the strange twitch of her thumb, and the white noise of the TV abruptly cutting off into silence as the screen fades to black. 

**Author's Note:**

> the next morning, asuka opens her front door. she'd heard a ringing just a few seconds before, but no one is standing on the porch; instead, she finds the RAM to a computer. she throws it away within a millisecond and never hears or speaks or even thinks about it ever ever again.


End file.
